actually, I'm a sock model
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
