she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
