I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
