absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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