I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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