Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
