He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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