Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.