my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.