i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"