also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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