Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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