All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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