You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
