a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
