You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
