turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and she was petting her beer can
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
