I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
