Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
