someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
handjob tips. give me some.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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