The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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