Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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