I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
