Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I did not marry a roomba.
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