the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
