so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
