6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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