its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
