Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
