Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Congratulations! We have a period
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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