Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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