Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
