In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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