So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
