i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
