last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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