FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
