The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
