it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
