$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
