i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
