I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
