weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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