a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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