My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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