Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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