Michael Bay diarrhea
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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