I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
