His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
