her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
