Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
