The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
