if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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