life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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