Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You dont lie about slip and slides
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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