I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
