this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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