her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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