the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
