Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
