we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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